Employee Stimulus Envelope

More forceful than UN sanctions

Of late, I’m being admonished for the condition of the store after my closing shift. I follow the same parameters as every other closing cashier, but my particular performance has been singled out as unsatisfactory. Bold move from those depending on my sister’s employment to support their livelihoods, so my indiscretions must be blatant.

Sure, I spend a bit more time than most waving to my niece over the surveillance camera, reading the AP news wire, and jotting notes on my BlackBerry, but I’m pretty conscientious about my cleaning. Even my mom has remarked on my increased effectiveness on the home front. Being the czar of domestic cleanliness, I was feeling confident about my new found abilities with a broom and rag.

Want fries with that?

Being the newest addition to the store, I elected not to take offense to this comment. I instead took this as an opportunity to learn about corporate protocol. After all, what’s the value of a brand experience if not expected conditions and consistency. The golden arches may not promise a Capital Grille caliber meal, but you’re rarely surprised. The occasional rodent, heart attack, and recall notwithstanding, people take stock in the safety of stopping at a McDonald’s anywhere in the world. Why not mimic the characteristics of the world’s most prolific fast food chain? Maybe we could institute a short training session on the values of our store and corporate policy…

My sister shot me down immediately on the grounds of the overtime demanded by the additional meeting. Fine, we’re not aiming for McDonald’s status, I get it. And I guess those stock options I was offered were a joke. But let’s at least outline some proactive solutions.

The next day I’m confronted with a new list attached to my check in an all-encompassing “employee stimulus envelope” (clever managers). By new I mean the same scribbled list, just typed and attached to a clipboard, obligating closers to check off every task accomplished. This list is already huge obstacle to my goal of escaping as close to 10pm as possible every evening. The list also included several issues pertaining to protocol that reflect some insidious issues in the workplace.

Text message break-ups

Text message break-ups are universally recognized as the epitome of pathetic. The meaning is clear, you can’t be bothered. Your time is too precious or you’re just too fragile to withstand the emotional turmoil of separation. So an employee “resignation” via text was vehemently targeted on the new code of conduct. The menacing paper also further reprimanded my cell phone use at the register. It seems we also have to look presentable, which is going to add another 2 minutes to my pre-work preparations and really cut into my “doing nothing” time.

We must recycle cartons of cigarettes to use for signs, because evidently the pile of already destroyed trees in the form of notepads in the back is being horded for kindling. This mode of recycling is the equivalent of carbon offsets for cancer sticks, I suppose.

Personal phone calls are to be kept to a minimum. This poses a huge conflict in my otherwise harmonious work-family relationship. When my sister calls, should I treat her as the boss, and ignore those at the register to address urgent business matters? Or should I dutifully hang up on her, as I would my sister, to avoid violating company policy?

Working overtime

I’m not sure how my sister had the time to detail such an extensive list. Before heading to work yesterday, I stopped by her house then slowly backed away as I heard her cooing “please don’t throw up on me” to my four month old niece. The last time I heard that, it was uttered miserably in the after-hours of a killer party. Add that to my list of reasons never to have children, but not to the list of employee conduct, that’s sufficiently full.

The new checklist was sugar-coated with an array of gift cards to local businesses. I was excluded from the drawing, a shot of anti-nepotism that will keep me on my cell for the entire shift.